I am forty years old. I don’t want to be young anymore, I just want to feel fine. I also want to be happy enough, balanced enough. I want to sleep well at night and wake up happy for a new morning. I want to cope energetically throughout the day.
But, I don´t feel well.
I have started looking for reasons for my bad feeling and I have diagnosed myself with numerous diseases. When the Finnish-language Google does not offer enough potential diagnoses, I have switched to another language and found new disease classifications suitable for my situation.
I feel bad, my stomach hurts, I suffer foggy head, I freeze, I have spent the afternoons of death tired, I see strange dreams. Sometimes I feel unwell ones a week, sometimes I suffer all the time. I don’t tell anyone symptoms at work. I don’t tell friends. I might mention something to the family.
I go to the doctor, I go to a gynecologist, I go to a hereditary doctor, I go to a functional doctor, I go to a Chinese doctor, I go to the dentist. I go to an osteopath, I go to a physiotherapist and I go to a masseur. I get diagnoses and new diagnoses. Would it be thyroid, mild stress, age, hormonal problem or should I just take a couple of headage bills for the pain.
I try pills. I stop taking drugs. I decide I don’t need medication.
I change my diet. I try the keto diet, I test gluten free. I add fat, I reduce fat. I reduce sugar, I remove sugar. I switch to a strict fitness-type diet. I eat watermelon-green cabbage milkshake in the mornings. I don’t eat bananas because the Chinese doctor says which one suits me. I add meat, I reduce meat. I completely stop eating red meat.
I add more effective exercise, more yoga, more outdoor exercise. My condition is getting much better, but I don’t feel recovered. I’m still feeling bad.
I monitor my menstrual cycle regularly. Mark every symptom and problem on the calendar. Does the cycle condition affect symptoms. I find that with such an effect and sometimes not. I am absolutely certain that I am ill or alternatively the symptoms are due to my age and age-related hormonal problems.
I add more things to do. I am convinced that by doing things right and doing a lot, I will end up better. I learn to schedule more efficiently. I get my performance level increased. I am proud of my speed. I’m getting phenomenally fast.
I have designed every minute to be effective. When I first wake up in bed, I read work emails. I move fast from morning. I don’t eat breakfast at the table. I enjoy it while driving a car. I work hours before others. I feel that In the mornings I have time to get things done in peace. I the evenings I won’t stop at four. I’ll finish at five, six, seven. I’ll continue working in the evening.
I’m good at holding all things in my hands. I am good at leading and organizing everything. People, things, tasks, events, resources. I get annoyed if my “resources” don’t march in the direction I choose. I get angry if the “pack” doesn’t stay together. I get angry if I notice “stubbornness.
I get remarks, I hear throws, uttered between the lines. I don’t have time to mourn them. I don’t have time to stop to hear. I kind of know, that my behavior is wrong, but I don´t want to think about. it. I haven’t cried in many years. I am proud to be steady in my feelings.
I can feel less. I do not feel nasty things, I do not feel happy things…
Until..everything changed and I stopped…
What stopped me? It is weird to admit, but at first it was the sea a real large sea. I was travelling abroad, still moving fast, still being really active and controlling. Until, something happened to me. Something more powerful than me stopped me. I stopped at the edge of greatness of the sea and it came towards me by force. An idea that seemed to scream. -Let it be, let go, stop controlling ..
Soon after that, came the new kind of music. It found me and I was thrilled. Music opened up new kinds of channels. Everything melted. I cried for many years. I cried every day. Crying released, each tear took the burden off my shoulders and lightened the feeling. My next steps took me to nature, to the forest. Time after time, I was recharged and began to experience contact with nature and the universe. I stood and be enchanted. I kept crying. I continued listening to music.
I was gently stopped. I stopped for myself.
I learned I had to find my way back home. I realized that I had to mirror myself to the world around me, and not the other way around. I found my own body. It had hung separate from me, dragging along, suffering. Indeed, my body was symptomatic, aching, unwell.
I found a connection. The connection between body and mind. I became more whole. Through meditation and breathing exercises, I learned to stop. I learned to enjoy emptiness and the creativity that emanates from there after all emptiness. I started writing down my dreams. I learned to hear what the dreams were saying and got a lot of answers.
I learned that in order to achieve balance, you have to give up control. The illusion of control must be abandoned. Those things have never been in my power, I might as well let go. I learned to trust that I would be carried. That I’m safe.
I found my lost creativity. It literally rolled over me. I couldn’t control it anymore. All the creativity I had tried to hide, prevent, capture from myself.
I also started to see other people around me as valuable, lovable. All of us alike, as one. All linked.
I gave up all meat and dairy products. I tested and a vegetarian diet made me feel better. I eat some dietary supplements prescribed by a doctor and try to balance dynamic and restorative movement. I’ll take the time to stop, just be. I don’t eat just about any medication.
Years have passed, but at least now I feel better than ever. Physically and mentally. Gradually, I begin to understand my own purpose and seek out the things and environments that are for me. Life is light. I will continue with confidence. I am safe now.